OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
