you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
