If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
