Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
