Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
