My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
