So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
