you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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