I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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