And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
