He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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