no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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