I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize