i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So vagazzling was a success
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
