someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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