Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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