I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
