The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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