Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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