i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
