How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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