im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
