Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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