He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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