Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
