3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I AM VODKA MAN
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
