You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
