you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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