Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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