My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
