I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Come on in and take your pants off
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