So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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