sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
