Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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