Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
