between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
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