Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
