Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
