Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
COCAINE IS GR8
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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