I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize