I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
