I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
be right there i have to get my cape
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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