i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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