I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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