I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
