You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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