How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
