walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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