I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
