I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
