Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
