they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize