it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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