Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish I only lived at night.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
