I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
