For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Im part way to drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
