Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
