one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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