Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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