There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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