oh god the rape fog is back!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
