I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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