Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
