Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
