Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
