I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
